U.S. Department of Labor Devises Ingenious Solution to American Labor Problem: Export Americans to China
by Lorna Blotfarrow
After extensive deliberations with members of the Trump Administration, the Department of Labor (D.O.L) has proposed a creative and potentially revolutionary idea to employ Americans and electrify the middle class: deploy self-identified working class Americans to labor in China.
This bilateral proposition comes after labor market reports indicated hiring freezes in May. As business owners grow increasingly wary of tariff effects, they remain suspended in an employee limbo: neither firing nor hiring. This in conjunction with Trump’s extensive campaigning about bringing industry and labor back to America has raised significant questions of what exactly America will do with its most desperate job hunters.
“I mean, it’s a pretty smart idea,” said Jackson Numbercrünch, the Solicitor of Labor who created the plan. “For one, we will employ Americans. For another, we’ll finally beat China. In China. Do you follow?” Mr. Numbercrünch smirked, “It’s Bye-jing to Beijing."
To the surprise of many, talks of Numbercrünch partnering with perennial loser Jill Stein (I.) to head a new department called The Department of Americans Export have swirled around D.C. for the past few weeks. Insiders classify this potential collaboration as a “monumental” achievement in inter-party efforts to solve the middle-class crisis in America.
There is, however, one hovering issue: how exactly are we going to pull this off?
“You’re talking about 93.6 million people,” explained Senator Bernie Sanders (D.), spitting all over me as he continued, “What kind of plane can proliferate that preposterously proportioned population?” When asked about Jill Stein potentially leading the new department, Senator Sanders had this to say: “Who’s Jill Stein?”
According to the Secretary of the D.O.L, Frank Lorpson, logistics have not yet been confirmed: “It’s not something we’ve discussed,” he confessed, “That’s a tomorrow issue. Tonight, we go to Margaritaville."
Inside of Business Magazine also reached out to Wang Xiaoping, Head of the Ministry of Human Resources and Social Security in China to ask about her thoughts on the initiative: “Wait what? Please don’t do that. Seriously. We don’t have the capacity for that.”
Jobs supposedly waiting for Americans range from Amazon factory workers to Adidas factory workers to Nike factory workers to Mattel factory workers to Zara factory workers. There is also another coveted option for those with acute homesickness: Levi’s factory worker.
“No one’s gonna be able to say that we didn’t bring industry back to Americans,” Donald Trump Jr. cheered on X.
This is a developing story.